so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
