The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
