if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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