I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
