I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
