I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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