If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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