The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
