I wish I could teleport
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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