If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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