I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
