Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize