I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
