got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
