I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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