I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
