Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
