I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize