I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
