I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
