I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
