Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
