You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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