Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
