i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize