I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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