ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
