East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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