The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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