Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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