God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
