I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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