i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
