her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
