Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
