my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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