hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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