: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
