I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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