I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
