then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
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