Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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