The maid of honor just puked.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize