You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
