like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
