I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
