pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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