hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
