You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
