Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
