Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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