I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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