Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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