there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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