She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
