i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I understand Curling. That high.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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