phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
