I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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