Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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