i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
