So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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