I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
