i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
