you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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