maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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